100+ Hilarious Funny Quotes and Sayings to Make you Laugh for Every Occasion

Funny Quotes

Funny quotes are humorous statements or one-liners that are meant to make people laugh. Funny quotes can be found in a variety of sources, including books, TV shows, movies, and even on social media. They are a popular form of entertainment and are often shared and quoted by people who enjoy humour and laughter. We have put together a list of Funny Quotes to help you live a happy life. The purpose of funny quotes is to bring joy and levity to people's lives and provide a temporary escape from the stresses and challenges of daily life.

• “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” - Phyllis Diller
• "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well." - Mark Twain
• "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov
• "I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me." - Noel Coward
• "I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
• "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey
• "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx
• "I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you." - Robin Williams
•  "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsley Clarke
• "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener." - Pauline Thomason
• "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde
• "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." - Unknown
• "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do." - Unknown

Short Funny Quotes

• "I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands."
• "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
• "Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?"
• "Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?"
• "Why do we put suits in a garment bag, and put garments in a suitcase?"
• "Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?"
• "Why do they call it a building if it's already built?"
• "Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?"
• "Why do we say we slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours?"
• "Why do we call it “taking a dump” when it’s coming out?"
• "Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?"
• "Why do we say we’re head over heels when we’re standing upright?"
• "Why do they call it “a pair of pants” when it’s just one item?"
• "Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?"
• "Why do we say something is out of whack when it’s not in whack?"
• "Why do we say “the proof of the pudding is in the eating” when pudding is never proved?"
• "Why do we say “the whole 9 yards” when yards are always measured in 3s?"
• "Why do we say “the bee’s knees” when knees are the ugliest part of the bee?"
• "Why do we say “the cat’s pajamas” when cats don’t wear pajamas?"
• "Why do we say “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” when most birds in bushes are worth zero?"

Funny Senior Quotes

• "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." - Anonymous Senior
• "Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!" - Granny Giggles
• "I'm not retired; I'm just getting a lifetime achievement award!" - Wise Old Owl
• "Senioritis: the struggle is real, but so is my napping game!" - Sleepy Senior
• "I'm not old; I'm a classic, like fine wine or vintage memes!" - Vintage Vibe
• "My class schedule and the gym have something in common: I don't go to either!" - Senior Slacker
• "Remember when we thought 2020 was a crazy year? Now, that was just the warm-up act!" - The Prophetic Senior
• "If my life was a movie, it would be rated 'S' for 'Senior Discount'" - Discount Diva
• "They say laughter is the best medicine, so I'm taking an overdose to make my senior year unforgettable!" - Laughter Heals All
• "I'm not aging; I'm just increasing in value, like a limited edition collectible!" - Priceless Senior
• "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it... as long as it's soft and easy to chew!" - Foodie Senior
• "Why back in my day, we didn't have virtual reality; we had to use our imaginations!" - Vintage Visionary
• "My secret to surviving high school? Embrace the awkwardness, it's our rite of passage!" - Awkwardly Awesome
• "Age is just a number, but in my case, it's a pretty big one!" - Forever Young-at-Heart
• "Senior year: where I finally learned how to adult but chose not to!" - Adulting-Optional

Remember, senior quotes are meant to be light-hearted and fun, but also respectful. Make sure your quote is appropriate for your school and audience!

Funny Quotes For Friendship

• "Why do we say “the ball is in your park” when it’s not a park ball?"
• "Why do we say “you’re the apple of my eye” when apples are round and have nothing to do with eyes?"
• "Why do we say “bless you” when someone sneezes? Do they need blessings to sneeze?"
• "Why do we say “the cat’s out of the bag” when cats never go into bags?"
• "Why do we say “the clock is ticking” when clocks don’t make ticking sounds?"
• "Why do we say “break a leg” before a performance? Do we want the performers to be hurt?"
• "Why do we say “the fat is in the fire” when there’s no fat and no fire?"
• "Why do we say “time flies” when time is an abstract concept that doesn’t fly?"
• "Why do we say “over the moon” when the moon is not over anything?"
• "Why do we say “easier said than done” when saying is easier than doing?"
• “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later." 
• “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.” 
• “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” 
• “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” 
• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” 
•  “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” 
• “We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall , I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
• “Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
• “If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
• “I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.”
• “Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
• “You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
• “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
• “Best friend: the one that you can mad only for a short period of time because you have important stuff to tell them.”
• “I hope we’re friend until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.”
• “You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.” 

Funny Quotes about Marriage

• "You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps."
• "If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love." 
• “I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury.” 
• "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
• "As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy."
• "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." 
• "Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." 
• "You are never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread." 
• "You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." 
• "If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?"
• "Love is being stupid together."
• "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." 
• "Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." 
• "Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." 
• "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
• "Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." 
• "Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage." 
• "Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." 
• "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" 
• "People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy." 

Funny Quotes For Family

• "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." 
• "So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." 
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” 
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” 
• “In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” 
• “Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” 
• “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
• “Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.” 
• “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.” 
• “It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life...you can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, holding claws.” 
• “Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?” 
• “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” 
• “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” 
• “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” 
• “A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” 
• “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” 
• “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
• “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” 
• “I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” 

Funny Quotes For Enemy

•  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” 
• “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” 
• “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
•  “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” 
• “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” 
•  “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” 
• “We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
• It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
• “Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public”
• “Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
• “Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
• “Thus  the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.
• Me and my best friends can communication with just facial expressions.”
• “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?”
• “I think we’ll be friend forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends”
• “Thank you for still being my friend, despite the fact that you are completely aware of every terrifying, raunchy, explicit detail of my life.”
• “We will always be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we will be new friends.”
• “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
• “God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters”
• “Never let you friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.” 
• “You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
• “Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental hospital.” 
• “Real friendship is when you friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.”
• “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

Funny Work Quotes

• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
• “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” 
• “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” 
• “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” 
• “There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.” 
• “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” 
• “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” 
• “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” 
•  “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” 
•  “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
•  “When I'm in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don't have to shake hands.”
• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
• “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
• “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”
•  “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”
•  “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
• “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” 
•  “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” 
• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” 
•  “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” 
•  “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” 

Funny Quotes About Love

• “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” 
• “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” 
• “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” 
• “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” 
• “A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” 
• “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.”
• “Love is sharing your popcorn.” 
• “I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”
• “I find you...annoying.” 
• “I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” 
• “I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” 
• “I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.” 
• “Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle kit.”
• “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.”
•  “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
• “ I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” 
• “Love is hiding who you are at all times. It's wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.” 
• “I didn't fall for you, you tripped me!” 
• “Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life.” 
• “Remember, your Valentine's card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you're too lazy to put it in your own words.”

Funny Quotes For Emotions

• “You're never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread.”
• “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”
• “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
• “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.”
• “I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”
• “Love is so much more than a four-letter word.”
• “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”
• “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.”
• “Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle kit.”
• “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times.”
• “A man's main job is to protect his woman from her desire to "get bangs" every other month.”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”
• “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”
• “My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.”
• “You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale.”
• “Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.”
• “It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” 

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